Final decision

He frowned one of his little frowns at me. "Mauve?” he said, too much of a ninny to meet my blazing gaze ...

  “Yes?” I answered innocently, my sun-browned expression hiding my glee at his uncertainty about me for once. I had to hold him off for just a little longer.

  “What did you mean last night when you said I wouldn’t really want to know what’s going on in your mind?”  Ha! As if he didn’t know. But it gave me great pleasure to see him squirm, for once not so cock-sure in his knowledge of me. It galled me that he knew me so well, always right on the money with how I thought and why I did what I did. Not even I knew that. But for once I had him by the balls. He couldn’t possibly know what I was up to, so I continued playing the game.

  “What do you mean?” I stalled, absently running my finger around the rim of my cup, coffee long cold.

  His enquiring blue eyes regarded me for a long moment, making me squirm in my seat, my Velcro dress clinging on for dear life. I could feel his eyes boring into my mind, picking timidly through the nuts and bolts until the answer dawned on him. I could almost SEE the wheels of his mind turning, figuring it out slowly but surely.

  “You know what I mean. I can see something is wrong.”  Damn him. How could you love someone so much and yet detest them at the same time?  I smiled my best smile, hoping to hold on to what I had for just a little longer. Because once I opened my mouth, it would all be over and I’d never get it back. This time it was me avoiding his probing eyes.

  “I just had too much to drink, that’s all. You know how it is.” I could almost hear myself swallow.

  “Are you sure?” Uh-oh. He just crossed his legs. Not a good sign. Stall him Mauve, for all you’re worth! I was really hoping to delay this as long as I could. I really didn’t want to hurt him.

  My breasts expanded to an impressive double d as my lungs filled with air – torn between a deep breath and a scream. I put down my cup, slowly, as if trying to find just the right position on the table. When I finally lifted my eyes to him I knew it had to be done, or I would regret it the rest of my life. He waited patiently.

  “You and I both know we haven’t been allright for a long time. Our relationship is slowly deteriorating, and I’m not happy. Maybe you are happy with the status quo, but I’m not. I want passion in my life.”

  He sighed resignedly. “I’m not blind, I’ve noticed something’s wrong, but I thought it was just one of your phases again, and that’s why I didn’t take it too seriously”.

  I expected the reference to my bouts of depression, and understood his point of view. “I’m sorry, but it’s no longer just a phase, at least not after three years. I can’t keep on waiting for it to lift so I can once again trust my own emotions. I have to listen to it, now.”

  The whole time he was staring at his empty plate. I was no longer so sure of my triumph in outmanoeuvring him. This was no game, no contest, just two people who after 16 years have lost their spark.

  I thought of the heartbreaking part to come. My suggestion of couple’s counselling was just a plaster on a broken bone. Futile. I knew I no longer loved him. And if I left here, it would be with nothing more than a backpack and my lifesavings, wandering the planet, looking for something I couldn’t identify. But the pull was so strong, so compelling that I had to obey. I had to be brave, and end this now, so there’s be no more hurt.

  His soft voice filtered through my internal warring. “What are you thinking?” 

  I smiled weakly. “That I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, just that I know I have to.” Another deep diver breath. My fingers clenched around my coffee cup. Be brave.

  "I don’t think we belong together any more. We ‘re moving in different directions, and no longer want the same th….”

  The bread knife earlier on the table now slowly, warmly, gently slid into my stomach. I felt his arms lovingly cradling my falling body, that smile still on his face, before falling into the black abyss from which I would never emerge.